So that’s where I’ve been going wrong!

I don’t know if any of you were unfortunate enough to have caught ‘Money’ on BBC2 last night. I was.

Basically, we’re all idiots for pursuing any sort of further education. What we should have done was drop out of school, rub our earlobes in front of a mirror for a bit and hey presto, we’d all be millionaires. After all, why study when you can train your brain to earn a “passive income” from the comfort of your own fat arse?

That was the over-arching theme of the programme. The narrator gave us an insight into the aspiring millionaire wannabees and those who had already achieved it. A nice equal balance of smug and desperate.

I can’t decide which people featured were my favourite. There was the 18-year-old couple who had already decided that work wasn’t for them. The girl’s opening gambit being:

“When you think about it, working for someone else seems completely ridiculous. Why should you have to do it? I’m more interested in an unlimited income stream.”

I can’t even begin to verbalise my thoughts on that statement. I fear the profanities might cause my computer to explode. But these people are complete victims of their own stupidity. They obviously don’t realise how ridiculous they sound and as a result fall victim to the various ‘Wealth Trainers’ only too eager to take their money. The boyfriend was even worse. He didn’t like working, he didn’t like reading and he didn’t like smiling. The only things that he did like seemed to be eating and sitting on park benches looking retarded.

Then there was Janice. The thirty-something nursery nurse. Every morning, she’d wake up early to perform her millionaire exercises. These involved earlobe rubbing, erratic jiggling and self-affirmation.

“I am a millionaire, I am a millionaire, I am a millionaire.” She protested over and over and over again.

No.

You’re not.

And spending £6000 on wealth mentors isn’t going to get you any closer you fuckwit.

However, when we were then confronted with the folk who had achieved their ambition, I couldn’t see the appeal. They all looked dead behind the eyes. Had the money really solved all their problems? Of course, what they all kept fairly quiet was that the majority of the money they had acquired was from training hapless morons how to be millionaires. Not in fact from their own enterprises. That would spoil the illusion after all.

But, if all this still appeals to you, you now know what to do. Set your alarm half an hour early tomorrow morning, put on that power suit and give yourself a hardcore affirmation until the money comes pouring in.

When that fails, best head down the job centre though eh?