The end is nigh (the Bible guarantees it!)

This is a warning for all you non-believers out there. Get praying or prepare to be royally f*cked!

Haven’t you heard? Judgment Day is upon us. This Saturday 21st May, a mighty earthquake will rock our planet to its very core, eventually killing everyone. Our only hope is to repent our sins and, so long as we’re not wearing trainers, be granted passage to Heaven.

BULLSHIT!

The world has enough natural disasters going on at the moment without the predictions of an 89 year old mental stoking the fire!

Cue Harold Egbert Camping. The president of Family Radio, a California based (figures) religious broadcasting network and a self proclaimed timelord.

What I find particularly funny about old Hazza is that he's predicted the end of the world before. In September, 1994…..

BUT! This time:

“There is categorically not a chance that we can be wrong. It’s going to happen. The Bible is a very factual book.”

Hahahahahaha factual.

Now, I’m not going to get into the debate surrounding religion. I haven’t got the time or the energy and if you know me, you probably already have some idea of my opinion anyway. But this is ridiculous sensationalism in the extreme.

Fortunately, not that many people have taken any notice. Certainly not outside California. Anyhow, they should be worried about earthquakes considering their whole state is destined to be swallowed by the sea eventually. Presumably so Harry’s loyal followers can make it to the front of the queue at the pearly gates!

I like to think of Heaven as being like a very select club where superficiality rules. At least that would tie in with Christianity more!

Oooooooooo burned. Sorry, I said I wouldn’t make any sweeping, controversial religious statements. I couldn’t resist. I don’t care.

But just in case he’s right this time, I suggest you head to your nearest Church right this second and beg for forgiveness for your sins.

It could happen. And anyway, if it doesn’t we’ve got the Mayan Rapture prediction for 2012 to look forward to!

I’m sure there will be another half dead mental peddling that crap to some fuckwits in no time!

Probably Claudia.

USA! USA! USA!

Guess what this one’s about?

However, before I get into this, I feel I must acknowledge the wondrous event that was the Royal wedding. An enchanting display of faux patriotism that lasted precisely 24 hours, allowing the Daily Mail to rapidly return to peddling what it does best: utter disdain for anyone foreign.

I don’t know about you but I felt really sorry for Wills and Kate. Biggest news in the world and then something bigger comes along. What are the chances?! Oh well. I’m sure they’ll get over it with their millions of tax free pounds.

Anyway, back to America.

Did you see the footage of the Americans cheering at the announcement of Osama’s death? We only need look at them to see real patriotism. Real blind, idiotic, arrogant, obnoxious, offensive, repulsive patriotism. Truly inspirational.

Now I know they’re an easy target. Everyone takes the piss out of Americans. (By the way, no offence to the one person who has read my blog in America. I think it must be Bryan.) But we take the piss out of them for a reason. Stereotypes exist for a reason! It’s no wonder the Americans think we’re all upper class snobs. Look at the royal family. Equally it’s no wonder we think that Americans are all inbred hicks. Look at George Bush.

Fair enough, this may be taking it to the extremes but to bring it back to reality, the footage that they showed of them chanting over the weekend genuinely troubled me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Obama, I mean Osama, is dead. He had it coming. But that display of victory was hideous. It took 10 years! 10 years and they’re still smug about it!

Wooo yeh go America! You’re so good at wars! You should do more. It’s your thing.

That's the end of my rant on America. There are lots of lovely people who live there. It's just the global persona that's terrible. Shame.

Now I realise that this blog has taken a rather more serious tone than my general style. This is to prove to you that I’m not just a pretty face. There’s brains behind this beauty.

Don’t laugh. Ok that’s enough. What?! You’re a spaz!

Just because my hair goes blonder when it’s sunny doesn’t mean I get stupider!

Oh. I was forgetting. Stereotypes exist for a reason…