It’s Monday!
Time for your weekly dose of caustic cynicism.
You ready? You sure? I’m dumbing it down a bit this week so you might actually understand some of the words.
Maybe…
Anyway, guess what I did yesterday?
Went to X Factor Live!
For free obviously. I wouldn’t pay for that shit. However, saying that, I am a fan. I can’t help it. It’s my vice. I just love the way it allows ugly people, with questionable talent, to feel popular for three months. What can I say? I’m a big softie at heart.
Of course, the main act I was looking forward to (and the only one I could remember) was Wagner. He blew me away. It’s impossible to hate someone when they’re clearly having so much fun. The novelty factor supercedes the lack of talent ten times over. Easily. According to a source of mine, he apparently asked one of the management team the other day in a bar:
‘What age do girls have to be to have sex in this country?'
Hero.
Fat Mary on the other hand has no novelty. She’s boring, old, fat and quintessentially Tescos. Everything that’s bland rolled up into blob. A lacklustre blob of tedium.
I don’t like Fat Mary. Can you tell?
Cher was surprisingly good actually. I’d anticipated wanting to throw my chair at her silly, screwed up face but I resisted, despite being within punching distance twice! I was proud of myself. This anger management is clearly working.
However, I was also within punching distance of all of One Direction……. I’m only human.
Yes, yes I know this is all so 2010.
I am over it!
You need to get over it.
Just because I’m writing about X Factor in order to fill the void left until X Factor 2011 starts does not mean I’m obsessed.
Whatever Trevor.
I lead a happy, fulfilled life proudly orientated around X Factor. You lead a miserable existence orientated around resisting the urge to kill yourself. I’ll give you a tip. Don’t resist.
Also, my bag broke last week. More on this later.
ALSO, did you see Claudia on Film 2011 last week? I think she’s getting better.
JOKES!
She’s still a twat.
Monday 21 March 2011
Monday 14 March 2011
That's not funny or interesting
Oh you guys!
Thanks for your mildly generous feedback on my first blog. I do appreciate it. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A nice change from the more usual utter hatred for humanity that penetrates my emaciated core.
That was a bit dark wasn’t it. It’s Monday morning though so tough shit.
Anyway, how was your weekend?
Really? Herpes? Should probably get that checked out.
Mine was great. EXCEPT, on two occasions I seriously considered cutting my ears off…
Now, I understand that not everyone can be as charming, witty and intelligent as me. It would completely dilute my awesomeness. However, having to listen to your inane conversations on the train/tube/bus is getting too much to bear.
I view my morning commute as quiet time. And to be fair, so do most of my fellow commuters. I like to read my paper, ease myself into the day and not be subjected to the idiotic (and quite racist) opinions of a fat twat. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps it is. Perhaps I’m being unfair. What am I talking about?! Of course I’m not. He was a fat twat.
I do realise that there is of course a simple solution to my problem. STAB HIM REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE! Only joking. Headphones would be sufficient. TO STRANGLE HIM WITH! Where did that come from. Must be time for my Xanax. However, I don’t feel that I should be forced to put headphones in to drown out someone else. Especially if what they’re saying is neither funny, nor interesting! Don’t get me wrong. When the mood strikes, I am partial to the dulcet tones of Simply Red in my ears. I don’t have an aversion to headphones. I just also enjoy quiet time to perfect my plan for world domination.
What do you think? You think Mick Hucknell is an ugly, ginger c*nt? I’m sure he is but you’re missing my point. It’s an invasion of my personal space. An aural invasion! I’m not over reacting! You’re under reacting if anything.
The only solution that I can come up with (other than boring headphones) is a return to some sort of class system on public transport. However, not based on wealth. Based on interestingness. I personally will host a wildly over produced television programme entitled ‘Britain’s Got Arseholes’. I will also be the primary (and only) judge on the panel. Contestants will then come on the stage, attempt to perform something, lets say…stimulating, and I will judge whether they’re an arsehole or not. I really am made for the role.
The winner will be allowed to sit in my train carriage on my way to work in the morning. The losers will die.
Do you like it? It’s very More4 isn’t it. The thinking mans talent show. Maybe I’ll get Paxman as a guest judge when I’m busy. Or maybe Matt Baker. He showed his true colours on the One Show last week didn’t he! Cutting.
Anyway, must dash. World domination wont plan itself!
Why are you laughing?
I’m not joking.
That’s it. You’re on the list.
Right under Claudia.
Thanks for your mildly generous feedback on my first blog. I do appreciate it. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A nice change from the more usual utter hatred for humanity that penetrates my emaciated core.
That was a bit dark wasn’t it. It’s Monday morning though so tough shit.
Anyway, how was your weekend?
Really? Herpes? Should probably get that checked out.
Mine was great. EXCEPT, on two occasions I seriously considered cutting my ears off…
Now, I understand that not everyone can be as charming, witty and intelligent as me. It would completely dilute my awesomeness. However, having to listen to your inane conversations on the train/tube/bus is getting too much to bear.
I view my morning commute as quiet time. And to be fair, so do most of my fellow commuters. I like to read my paper, ease myself into the day and not be subjected to the idiotic (and quite racist) opinions of a fat twat. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps it is. Perhaps I’m being unfair. What am I talking about?! Of course I’m not. He was a fat twat.
I do realise that there is of course a simple solution to my problem. STAB HIM REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE! Only joking. Headphones would be sufficient. TO STRANGLE HIM WITH! Where did that come from. Must be time for my Xanax. However, I don’t feel that I should be forced to put headphones in to drown out someone else. Especially if what they’re saying is neither funny, nor interesting! Don’t get me wrong. When the mood strikes, I am partial to the dulcet tones of Simply Red in my ears. I don’t have an aversion to headphones. I just also enjoy quiet time to perfect my plan for world domination.
What do you think? You think Mick Hucknell is an ugly, ginger c*nt? I’m sure he is but you’re missing my point. It’s an invasion of my personal space. An aural invasion! I’m not over reacting! You’re under reacting if anything.
The only solution that I can come up with (other than boring headphones) is a return to some sort of class system on public transport. However, not based on wealth. Based on interestingness. I personally will host a wildly over produced television programme entitled ‘Britain’s Got Arseholes’. I will also be the primary (and only) judge on the panel. Contestants will then come on the stage, attempt to perform something, lets say…stimulating, and I will judge whether they’re an arsehole or not. I really am made for the role.
The winner will be allowed to sit in my train carriage on my way to work in the morning. The losers will die.
Do you like it? It’s very More4 isn’t it. The thinking mans talent show. Maybe I’ll get Paxman as a guest judge when I’m busy. Or maybe Matt Baker. He showed his true colours on the One Show last week didn’t he! Cutting.
Anyway, must dash. World domination wont plan itself!
Why are you laughing?
I’m not joking.
That’s it. You’re on the list.
Right under Claudia.
Wednesday 9 March 2011
An Ode to Misery
Hello all
How are you?
That's great. Me too.
Phew I'm glad that's over. I hate pleasantries.
This is how the tone of my blog will go I'm afraid. If you don't like it, I wouldn't bother reading on. You know who you are. I see you. Shut up.
Let's start with my reasons for starting this self indulgent whim.
1. I have some time to kill and have exhausted redtube.
2. It gives me an opportunity to vent my frustrations in a healthy, non-violent way.
3. I have so much to give and no one to listen.
4. I would like to make friends with people in China who I'll never meet.
5. I really hate Claudia Winkleman and want to find like minded people to form a club.
If you've read this far, you really are a glutton for punishment. Maybe we should be friends? Unless you're Claudia Winkelman. You can p*ss off you TV ruiner.
Wow this is really working. I feel so at peace already.
After careful consideration (and being advised that it's still not ok to laugh at Jade Goody) I have decided to open up for discussion why I don't trust cats.
I'm sorry. Were you expecting something more insightful? Something more stimulating perhaps? Yes? What's that? You do trust cats? I bet Claudia Winkelman trusts cats. She looks a bit like a cat actually. A retarded cat! Haha.
Anyway, I digress. I don't trust cats essentially because they're sneaky b*stards. I see them sitting together on the pavement when I leave for work. Plotting. Scheming. They're the real terrorists. Have you seen that film Cats & Dogs? I reckon it's more of a documentary than a kids movie. What do you think? I'd love to hear your crappy, ill informed opinions.
I'm sorry for that outburst. Someone just said something at work that really annoyed me. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say it involved Hitler.
I'm bored with talking about cats now. I've also run out of things to say about them. In retrospect, cats probably wasn't the best theme to open my blog with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Shut up, that was a rhetorical question.
Right I have to go now. I have better things to do than pander to your insecurities. Oh wait. My insecurities. I'm so confused! Talking of pandas. Have you seen the Panda Cheese adverts of Youtube? They're amazing. I strongly advise you watch them. For those brief minutes, I forgot how sh*t my life was! Maybe you'll have the same experience! Then we can discuss it. Over coffee maybe? You're busy? Everyday? Until Christmas? Boxing Day it is then. I can wait. I don't mind.
Until we meet in person on Boxing Day, I bid you farewell.
I hope you've enjoyed the first installment of my blog and are eager to read more pearls of wisdom. I hate the word 'blog'. Lets change it to ........ foetus. Yes. I hope you've enjoyed my foetus. Inappropriate? Shut up Claudia.
How are you?
That's great. Me too.
Phew I'm glad that's over. I hate pleasantries.
This is how the tone of my blog will go I'm afraid. If you don't like it, I wouldn't bother reading on. You know who you are. I see you. Shut up.
Let's start with my reasons for starting this self indulgent whim.
1. I have some time to kill and have exhausted redtube.
2. It gives me an opportunity to vent my frustrations in a healthy, non-violent way.
3. I have so much to give and no one to listen.
4. I would like to make friends with people in China who I'll never meet.
5. I really hate Claudia Winkleman and want to find like minded people to form a club.
If you've read this far, you really are a glutton for punishment. Maybe we should be friends? Unless you're Claudia Winkelman. You can p*ss off you TV ruiner.
Wow this is really working. I feel so at peace already.
After careful consideration (and being advised that it's still not ok to laugh at Jade Goody) I have decided to open up for discussion why I don't trust cats.
I'm sorry. Were you expecting something more insightful? Something more stimulating perhaps? Yes? What's that? You do trust cats? I bet Claudia Winkelman trusts cats. She looks a bit like a cat actually. A retarded cat! Haha.
Anyway, I digress. I don't trust cats essentially because they're sneaky b*stards. I see them sitting together on the pavement when I leave for work. Plotting. Scheming. They're the real terrorists. Have you seen that film Cats & Dogs? I reckon it's more of a documentary than a kids movie. What do you think? I'd love to hear your crappy, ill informed opinions.
I'm sorry for that outburst. Someone just said something at work that really annoyed me. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say it involved Hitler.
I'm bored with talking about cats now. I've also run out of things to say about them. In retrospect, cats probably wasn't the best theme to open my blog with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Shut up, that was a rhetorical question.
Right I have to go now. I have better things to do than pander to your insecurities. Oh wait. My insecurities. I'm so confused! Talking of pandas. Have you seen the Panda Cheese adverts of Youtube? They're amazing. I strongly advise you watch them. For those brief minutes, I forgot how sh*t my life was! Maybe you'll have the same experience! Then we can discuss it. Over coffee maybe? You're busy? Everyday? Until Christmas? Boxing Day it is then. I can wait. I don't mind.
Until we meet in person on Boxing Day, I bid you farewell.
I hope you've enjoyed the first installment of my blog and are eager to read more pearls of wisdom. I hate the word 'blog'. Lets change it to ........ foetus. Yes. I hope you've enjoyed my foetus. Inappropriate? Shut up Claudia.
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