Oh you guys!
Thanks for your mildly generous feedback on my first blog. I do appreciate it. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A nice change from the more usual utter hatred for humanity that penetrates my emaciated core.
That was a bit dark wasn’t it. It’s Monday morning though so tough shit.
Anyway, how was your weekend?
Really? Herpes? Should probably get that checked out.
Mine was great. EXCEPT, on two occasions I seriously considered cutting my ears off…
Now, I understand that not everyone can be as charming, witty and intelligent as me. It would completely dilute my awesomeness. However, having to listen to your inane conversations on the train/tube/bus is getting too much to bear.
I view my morning commute as quiet time. And to be fair, so do most of my fellow commuters. I like to read my paper, ease myself into the day and not be subjected to the idiotic (and quite racist) opinions of a fat twat. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps it is. Perhaps I’m being unfair. What am I talking about?! Of course I’m not. He was a fat twat.
I do realise that there is of course a simple solution to my problem. STAB HIM REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE! Only joking. Headphones would be sufficient. TO STRANGLE HIM WITH! Where did that come from. Must be time for my Xanax. However, I don’t feel that I should be forced to put headphones in to drown out someone else. Especially if what they’re saying is neither funny, nor interesting! Don’t get me wrong. When the mood strikes, I am partial to the dulcet tones of Simply Red in my ears. I don’t have an aversion to headphones. I just also enjoy quiet time to perfect my plan for world domination.
What do you think? You think Mick Hucknell is an ugly, ginger c*nt? I’m sure he is but you’re missing my point. It’s an invasion of my personal space. An aural invasion! I’m not over reacting! You’re under reacting if anything.
The only solution that I can come up with (other than boring headphones) is a return to some sort of class system on public transport. However, not based on wealth. Based on interestingness. I personally will host a wildly over produced television programme entitled ‘Britain’s Got Arseholes’. I will also be the primary (and only) judge on the panel. Contestants will then come on the stage, attempt to perform something, lets say…stimulating, and I will judge whether they’re an arsehole or not. I really am made for the role.
The winner will be allowed to sit in my train carriage on my way to work in the morning. The losers will die.
Do you like it? It’s very More4 isn’t it. The thinking mans talent show. Maybe I’ll get Paxman as a guest judge when I’m busy. Or maybe Matt Baker. He showed his true colours on the One Show last week didn’t he! Cutting.
Anyway, must dash. World domination wont plan itself!
Why are you laughing?
I’m not joking.
That’s it. You’re on the list.
Right under Claudia.
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