I've got the X Factor more than you

 It’s Monday!

Time for your weekly dose of caustic cynicism.

You ready? You sure? I’m dumbing it down a bit this week so you might actually understand some of the words.

Maybe…

Anyway, guess what I did yesterday?

Went to X Factor Live!

For free obviously. I wouldn’t pay for that shit. However, saying that, I am a fan. I can’t help it. It’s my vice. I just love the way it allows ugly people, with questionable talent, to feel popular for three months. What can I say? I’m a big softie at heart.

Of course, the main act I was looking forward to (and the only one I could remember) was Wagner. He blew me away. It’s impossible to hate someone when they’re clearly having so much fun. The novelty factor supercedes the lack of talent ten times over. Easily. According to a source of mine, he apparently asked one of the management team the other day in a bar:

‘What age do girls have to be to have sex in this country?'

Hero.

Fat Mary on the other hand has no novelty. She’s boring, old, fat and quintessentially Tescos. Everything that’s bland rolled up into blob. A lacklustre blob of tedium.

I don’t like Fat Mary. Can you tell?

Cher was surprisingly good actually. I’d anticipated wanting to throw my chair at her silly, screwed up face but I resisted, despite being within punching distance twice! I was proud of myself. This anger management is clearly working.

However, I was also within punching distance of all of One Direction……. I’m only human.

Yes, yes I know this is all so 2010.

I am over it!

You need to get over it.

Just because I’m writing about X Factor in order to fill the void left until X Factor 2011 starts does not mean I’m obsessed.

Whatever Trevor.

I lead a happy, fulfilled life proudly orientated around X Factor. You lead a miserable existence orientated around resisting the urge to kill yourself. I’ll give you a tip. Don’t resist.

Also, my bag broke last week. More on this later.

ALSO, did you see Claudia on Film 2011 last week? I think she’s getting better.

JOKES!

She’s still a twat.