An Ode to Misery

Hello all

How are you?

That's great. Me too.

Phew I'm glad that's over. I hate pleasantries.

This is how the tone of my blog will go I'm afraid. If you don't like it, I wouldn't bother reading on. You know who you are. I see you. Shut up.

Let's start with my reasons for starting this self indulgent whim.

1. I have some time to kill and have exhausted redtube.
2. It gives me an opportunity to vent my frustrations in a healthy, non-violent way.
3. I have so much to give and no one to listen.
4. I would like to make friends with people in China who I'll never meet.
5. I really hate Claudia Winkleman and want to find like minded people to form a club.


If you've read this far, you really are a glutton for punishment. Maybe we should be friends? Unless you're Claudia Winkelman. You can p*ss off you TV ruiner.

Wow this is really working. I feel so at peace already.

After careful consideration (and being advised that it's still not ok to laugh at Jade Goody) I have decided to open up for discussion why I don't trust cats.

I'm sorry. Were you expecting something more insightful? Something more stimulating perhaps? Yes? What's that? You do trust cats? I bet Claudia Winkelman trusts cats. She looks a bit like a cat actually. A retarded cat! Haha.

Anyway, I digress. I don't trust cats essentially because they're sneaky b*stards. I see them sitting together on the pavement when I leave for work. Plotting. Scheming. They're the real terrorists. Have you seen that film Cats & Dogs? I reckon it's more of a documentary than a kids movie. What do you think? I'd love to hear your crappy, ill informed opinions.

I'm sorry for that outburst. Someone just said something at work that really annoyed me. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say it involved Hitler.

I'm bored with talking about cats now. I've also run out of things to say about them. In retrospect, cats probably wasn't the best theme to open my blog with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Shut up, that was a rhetorical question.

Right I have to go now. I have better things to do than pander to your insecurities. Oh wait. My insecurities. I'm so confused! Talking of pandas. Have you seen the Panda Cheese adverts of Youtube? They're amazing. I strongly advise you watch them. For those brief minutes, I forgot how sh*t my life was! Maybe you'll have the same experience! Then we can discuss it. Over coffee maybe? You're busy? Everyday? Until Christmas? Boxing Day it is then. I can wait. I don't mind.

Until we meet in person on Boxing Day, I bid you farewell.

I hope you've enjoyed the first installment of my blog and are eager to read more pearls of wisdom. I hate the word 'blog'. Lets change it to ........ foetus. Yes. I hope you've enjoyed my foetus. Inappropriate? Shut up Claudia.