I know you’re just doing your job but…

What are the chances?

I’m not the most sensible person in the world when it comes to money, but I’ve never been hounded by debt collectors before. And yet, I currently have two debt collection companies hounding me for entirely separate claims. That’s right – two!

One of them is for some lapsed AOL payments (I didn’t know they were still in existence either) since March 2011 for an address that I haven’t lived at for over 5 years. I’ve so far received some lovely threatening letters and had some delightful conversations with Dave in the Woking office. Now Dave is either just having a laugh or he is actually a certified retard. My gut instinct says retard. No matter what I say or how much I simplify my language he doesn’t understand. So far, the highlight has been when he asked;

“Do you know a Harvey Cuff?”

To which I replied;

“Yes, that was my dog's name. He’s dead.”

Now, at this point, you would expect there to be some sort of muffled laughter at the ridiculousness of the error or maybe an apology, but no – I was met with this response;

“Why did you open an AOL account in your dead dog's name?”

Are you fucking kidding me…?

I was so baffled by this question that I genuinely didn’t know what to say and put the phone down.

The other claim I’m currently battling is from the gym in Cheam that I used to be a member of. We're in dispute over the final months payment but I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just get upset again.

However, the claims company did put something on one of their equally threatening letters that made me smile. They’re called S.R.J Debt Recoveries Ltd and at the bottom of their lovely letters, they sign them off with the company name.

See below;

How can a company have a signature? Are they like Skynet? Should I expect some sort of Terminator to come over to my house demanding payment under the orders of its evil computer overlord – SRJ?

Idiots.

So now I have to deal with the hassle of two separate moronic debt collection companies. The novelty of patronising idiots on the phone has long since worn off and now all I’m left with is this hollow sense disdain for anyone who works in the industry.

I know they’re only doing their job but….. FUCK OFF!