Viva España!

So I went to Spain last week, which was fun.

Weather was great blah blah blah.

BUT.

What I really want to talk about is my experience on one very special night in Fuengirola.

I just realised that that sounded quite sexual. Sorry to disappoint you but there is NOTHING sexy about what I’m going to tell you.

Our night started at my grandma’s house in Mijas. You should probably know who I was with but I’m worried about flagrantly disregarding the super-injunction. So lets call them; Z Bobinson, C Wavies, J Pann, W Tubbs and L Pie. Foolproof for sure.

The fun began with a wonderful BBQ prepared by our in-house chef, C Wavies. For a moment it seemed quite civilised. Then Z Bobinson inevitably started talking about her favourite subject – sex – which decidedly lowered the tone. I won’t go into details but suffice to say, she’s a free spirit…

The conversation got so graphic in fact that it all became too much for L Pie who didn’t even make it out in the end. She needed some alone time… Read that as you will.

Eventually, we made our way down the mountain to Fuengirola. We were so excited! In opposite world. It was a Monday night so I feared the worst. But I couldn’t have been more wrong! It’s party central 24/7 on the Costa del Street Crime. The slags were out in full force and J Pann and Z Bobinson did I fine job of blending in without even trying.

We started in Linekers (Gary’s brother owns it). A really trendy little bar that played great music. Again, in opposite world (sorry Molly). But, as with most things, after a few shots and some laughing gas things were looking up. We then went on to the London Pub. This place was bangin’. The tiny dancefloor was crammed with every type of ugly girl and dirty old sex-pest you could imagine. One particular girl found W Tubbs' shoes very funny. To be fair they did look like a pair of rainbows on his feet. The irony was that she wasn’t even wearing any shoes and looked like this probably wasn’t out of choice. However, being the good friend she is, Z Bobinson tracked down the girl’s shoes and threw them out the window. That showed her! Stupid tramp.

We then went on to another bar (which I can’t remember the name of). My money was running a bit low by this stage so I started to sober up which was bad. We sat down on a table outside and the evening took on a far more serious tone. We began to discuss ethics, self worth and our views on existentialism (I still don’t know what it means) and it quickly turned into a debate. I say debate. More like slow, torturous wrist slitting. C Wavies came to the conclusion that if you resigned yourself to the fact that you are only as worthy of existence as a pair of sunglasses, then you’ll have a more fulfilled life. I disagreed.

Just the thought of the conversation is making me grab for the Stanley Knife.

After that downer we were in dire need of a pick-me-up so we went to London Underground – the club under the London Pub. Clever eh? It was shit and the alcohol was seriously over-priced. I had a good time but had got to the stage where I wasn’t prepared to throw anymore money at the night. Everyone else was wasted so we decided to go home.

Climbing up the steps to the house proved a real challenge. I imagine it to be on a par with climbing Everest but I couldn’t say for sure.  And then we went to bed and had a massive orgy. JOKES!

I wish something more interesting had happened. I’ve just read through this blog and realised that it’s actually quite boring. Especially if you haven’t worked out my clever alias code.

Sorry if you’re disappointed but this has taken me too long to start again and I just can’t be bothered. The next one will be better I promise.

Although I don’t know why I’m apologising. If you don’t like it, f*ck off and get back to work.