If I won the Euromillions…

I would love to win the Euromillions. £154,000,000 is lots of money. An overwhelming amount of money in fact. Could you ever even spend it all?

However, I fear that if I were to win it (which I will tonight), I would view spending it all as a challenge. No one would ever expect it and I would have a great time! They would all say, “How did he spend it all? He had so much!” and I would say “Yeh it was awesome!” Actually I probably wouldn’t say that because I imagine I’d be dead. But I’d definitely have died happy!

A colleague and I were discussing the first thing we would do if we won and she gave me an interesting insight into her disturbed mind. Sabrina (I know right!) appeared genuinely concerned that if she won £154,000,000, she would immediately go out and spend it on something completely pointless and wasteful. When I probed her as to what these things might be she said, “I might go to the train station and buy 100,000,000 one day travelcards just because I could.” She then went onto say, “What if I went out and spent it all on peaches?! They would rot and then I’d have nothing to show for my £154,000,000!”

We’ve now made an arangement that, if she wins, she will employ me on a daily rate of £20,000 to ensure she doesn’t spend all her money on travelcards and peaches. Pretty sweet deal I think. She’s a bit retarded so I could easily steal more from her.

I then thought about the stupid ways that I could spend the money. There are the obvious standard things that I would do:

Buy 10 houses
Buy 100 cars
Take up a ridiculous cocaine habit
Buy lots of attractive friends (no offense)
Release my own album

You know, standard stuff.

But then I thought about ways that I could spend it AND annoy people. One good idea I had was a variation on Orange Wednesdays. It’s called Alex Mondays/Tuesdays/Thursdays/Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays and instead of being half price, everywhere costs double. It will be great for two reasons. Firstly, I won’t care because I’ll be loaded and secondly, I wont have to share the restaurant/cinema with any plebs. I guess there must be some other people who could afford it but there would be a rota in place so we didn’t clash.

I’m not sure how much it would cost though…

I then thought about how funny it would be to rebrand Oyster cards as ‘Gay cards’. Then people would have to say “I’ve just got to top up my gay card” and “You’ve dropped your gay card” and oh how I’d laugh as I drove past in one of my 100 cars.

Again, cost may be an issue…

So if you’re like me and have awesome ideas about how you would spend £154,000,000 then why not enter the Euromillions tonight?

After all, it could be you…(But it won’t because it will be me).