Damn you Amaretto!

So yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It really was awful.

The morning didn’t start well. I woke up and was genuinely confused as to how I came to be in my own bed. That makes me sound like a whore but I assure you my actions were innocent. I had fully intended on staying at my friend’s house (whose party I had attended the night before) but had obviously decided at some point that that was a bad idea.

I do vaguely remember traipsing home at stupid o’clock. I had the standard array of dodgy text messages and phone calls as proof. Sorry to anyone I offended or weirded out. I blame the Amaretto. Such a mistake.

After about an hour of trying not to be sick I decided to get up.

That was my first mistake (well second if you include the Amaretto).

I thought I was ok. I even made a bacon sandwich! The bread was a struggle but I managed to eat the bacon. I then sat down to watch an episode of Columbo when the waves of nausea started hitting me like a massive tsunami. It was terrible. I was hoping not to see that bacon sandwich again but there it was. In the toilet. Dejected. Just like me.

I sympathised.

My second (or third) mistake was to initially believe that, now I’d been sick, I felt better. I did not. And to make it worse, the cat was being a right little prick. He’s been confused this weekend because I’m the only one in the house. Actually, I’m probably giving him a bit too much credit as he’s a little prick most of the time. But on Sunday he decided it would be a good idea to drag a half dead pigeon through the cat flap! There’s nothing like a bleeding, frantic pigeon clasped in the jaws of a demonic bastard cat to induce vomit when you’re feeling rough.

I guess I should be grateful that I got rid of it before he had a chance to decapitate it. That’s right. My cat likes eating pigeon’s heads. Just the heads. He’s a weirdo.

By now it was about 7 o’clock and I had done nothing with my day. I had started to feel a bit more human again and was readily preparing myself for a Top Gear, Apprentice, Apprentice Your Hired, Grand Designs Australia marathon (It had been the main focus of my day). Then I had a thought. I was fairly certain that the entire day had gone by and I hadn’t uttered a word. Certainly not to a person anyway. I’m pretty sure I told the cat to fuck off but that was it.

It’s bizarre how a whole day can go by with literally no interaction with another human being.

I then had another thought.

This had been the best day of my life ever.