You’re ruining it for everyone

You know when you see someone and you can just tell that they’re a nasty person? They have a certain look ­– which is often difficult to pinpoint – but you just know.

On Saturday I was stood in a queue behind a group of about 20 people who looked like that. I was going to London Dungeons (yeh, whatever) and had to endure one and half hours of eye-gougingly tedious waiting. This wasn’t helped by the incredibly obnoxious group of teenagers stood directly in front of me. If I have to hear someone mindlessly say ‘blud’ again, I will not be held responsible for my violent actions. And on that note, if I see some 15 year old bitch with a major attitude problem ‘kiss her teef’ at a stranger then I will push her in front of a bus. I’ll be doing the world a favour.

Fortunately, once we got to the front, we were put in a different group for the tour itself. The thought of following them around for another two hours filled me with utter dread. And with so many dark corners, the temptation to pick them off one by one might have been too much to resist. I could have dressed up as Jack the Ripper and pretended I was part of the act.

Hmm… maybe I’ll invite some people I hate next time…

Anyway, the tour itself was actually quite good. A bit long for my liking. And I kind of wished I was a bit drunk as it would have been much more entertaining. But on the whole it was enjoyable. One of the highlights for me was when this kid looked like he was about to have a breakdown at the prospect of going on the gallows ride (it’s like the old Pepsi drop at the Trocadero). It wasn’t really laugh-out-loud funny – he was about 10 so that would’ve been a bit harsh. But it was funny seeing the adults – who clearly weren’t his parents (I think it was a birthday) – struggle to calm him down. He really looked like he was about to start having palpitations or something. The solution was fairly simple, he just didn’t go on it. And in all fairness, it was surprisingly scary so he probably would have died.

But as the tour continued, it became more and more obvious that I’m missing my true calling in life. The actors are encouraged to be horrible to everyone and make crude double-entendres. I’m already typecast as having both of those traits anyway, and I’d get paid for it! How great is that!?

So, I’m going to head back there with my CV in a week or so. Fancy coming with me?

I’d watch out for the dark corners though…