Find your own stool

Hi all.

It’s been a while hasn’t it. I seem to have got out of the habit lately. I don’t know why. I have no excuse.

But fear not. For I am here todiscuss a topic that I’m certain to which we can all relate (I say discuss – this isn’t a discussion. This is therapy. Sorry).

Smug couples. Don’t you just wish they’d fuck off?

So I was in the pub the other day. Nothing unusual about that. I was catching up with a friend who I hadn’t seen for a while and inevitably I was there first. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE BE ON TIME!? But that’s for another blog.

I got my pint and found a table.The pub was busyish. A nice amount of people. Not too many while retaining a pleasant atmosphere. I sat and I sat. Probably for about 15 minutes. It was ok. I managed to get enough coins on Temple Run to buy the Chinese woman so atleast I achieved something. She’s now cleaning my bedroom (not really).

But then. This man and hisunnecessarily tightly embraced girlfriend came over to me. Initially I didn’t notice – I was far too engrossed in directing my Chinese woman. He interrupted me by saying:

“Err excuse me, do you mind if we take this stool?”

An innocent enough question. Butas I was waiting for my friend to arrive, I politely refused.

But then, I got ‘the look’. Their smugness had overridden their politeness.

Granted, it was brief, and probably to the less cynical amongst us, meaningless. But to me, and my heightened sense of perception, I knew what they were doing. They were pitying me. They didn’t believe that I was waiting for anyone. I was just refusing their request to save embarrassment while I had a lonely pint with only my iPhone for company.

I half smiled back. Their smugness rapidly making me want to throw the stool at their chirpy faces. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine. They wandered off, and I remained. Feeling thoroughly conspicuous. They found a seat within my eye line and promptly sat down right next to each other. What’s that about? Don’t sit next to each other. It’s weird. I wish people wouldn’t do that.

Then my phone began to ring. It was the friend I was waiting for.

“Sorry Alex but I’m not going to be able to make it. Had a bit of an emergency at home”.

Great. Now those smug twats are going to think I was lying.

I didn’t know what to do. My pint was rapidly depleting and my options were limited. I certainly wasn’t going to buy another one and sit there on my own.

Of course, I could have just got up and walked out – head held high. Why should I care what a pair of twatty strangers think? But I did. I couldn’t help it.

So I held my phone up to my ear and starting saying aggressive yet ambiguous words as if I was having a dramatic argument. They probably couldn’t hear me but it didn’t matter. I violently put on my jacket and downed my pint in a pissed off fashion and stormed out of the pub.

I think it looked pretty convincing.

Thank God I’ve got my Chinese woman to console me.